On a less serious note

A friend of mine sent me this email and I have to admit, I laughed until I cried.  I thought it was the funniest thing I have ever read but the funniest part is it’s supposed to be a true story.  I don’t know if it is or not but I hope you enjoy it even half as much as I did. This is supposedly true and written by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary and submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety….?? WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I’d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5′ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, ‘no possible way!’

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best…? I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, ‘ don’t do it dip$hit,’ reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?  The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I $hit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone.; I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I’m still looking for my nut$ and I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

Today is the day

Well the truck is gone now.  Today is the day that it had to be paid for or they keep it.  I don’t have $1300 to pay for getting his truck out.  Besides, it’s a 1991 and probably not worth that much to begin with.  He’s just going to have to figure out a way to get a job so he can earn the money to get another vehicle on his own.  The amazing thing is he’s not mad.  He’s beginning to realize that he is the one at fault here and no one else.  He did wrong and now it has cost him his truck.

Dear God I hope he finally realizes that he can’t walk in the middle of the street and be doing right.  Sure sometimes he’s on the right side of the street but then he manages to get back in the middle of the road again and before you know it, he’s on the wrong side of the street again if only for a moment or two.  Life doesn’t work that way and he’s got to learn everything the hard way unfortunately.

My wife is mad at me

I guess it should come as no surprise that my wife’s mad at me.  After all, isn’t that what most men say from time to time?  See, she has been working around the house and took down some old curtains in the dining room and put up some new ones.  I didn’t notice!!

Hey, I’m a man and I have had a lot on my mind lately.  Plus the curtains she took down were sort of a cream color and the ones she put up are a pale olive green.  That’s not a lot of difference other than the new ones are longer than the other ones too.  I just didn’t notice.

She was all happy because she had gotten them at JC Penney’s at a great discount price and wanted a pat on the back I guess.  Instead, I missed my chance and now she’s mad.  Guess I may as well just tell the dog to move over because I’m moving in the dog house with him.  I sure hope it’s only a one dog night and not a two dog night.  He’s a big German Shepherd so he should be able to keep me warm even if it is a two dog night.

Do you understand that expression, the one and two dog night?  It’s an old expression on how many dogs it would take to keep you warm overnight out in the elements.  A three dog night is a cold night!!

PETA

I’m sure most of you know who PETA is and what it stands for.  But just in case you don’t, it stands for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.  I think that’s right.  It might be worded a little different but you get the idea.  This group does a lot of good but just like any other group, they get out on a limb on some things.  Did you know that they can come to your house and if by chance your dog has turned his water over and they see that the dog doesn’t have any water, you can be charged with animal cruelty even if you make sure the dog has water every day when you get home.  I don’t think that right.

Throwing flour on women wearing fur is crazy.  The animals that were used to make these fur coats were farm raised, not trapped like they used to be.  They were well fed and then, yes killed for their fur.  These animals are not then simply thrown out to rot, they are used for dog food and stuff like that.  These animals are treated better while they are alive than they would have been in the wild.  God gave us creatures for food, warmth and as companions too.

Yes it is wrong to club seal cubs for their fur.  I’m glad they are against that and anything that can lead to the extinction of a creature that God has given us.  Gluttony is a sin and can lead to the extinction of a whole species and with that in mind, they are doing a great thing.

But they don’t want deer hunted either.  Do you know what happens when there are too many deer in an area?  The deer don’t have enough food and then suffer, get sick and die a slow and painful death.  I’m sure there are some that suffer a slow and painful death when shot by hunters but as long as these hunters eat the animal, they are actually helping the deer that in the woods by thinning them out.  That’s far more humane than letting them overpopulate and die of disease and malnutrition isn’t it?  I think so.  All of this is just my opinion and if you see it differently, feel free to comment all you want and I’ll be glad to answer.

My people would call this a sign

A good friend of mine sent me some pictures of the most amazing thing I have ever seen.  In fact, my people would call it a sign from the spirits.  My friends live in Michigan and came across the pictures.  They know how I am about Gods creatures and knew how amazing these pictures are to begin with and wanted to make sure I got them.  I am so thankful to them for sending them to me and just wanted to share one with you so you could gaze upon the beauty of extremely rare ‘Gods creatures’.

Here’s the skinny on the picture.  It’s twin deer with their mother in the background.  That’s not the amazing part.  They are albino twin deer!!!  The chances of ever seeing one albino deer is highly unlikely but twin albinos!!  Just try and imagine the chances of that.  I can’t even wrap my mind around the thought.  Not only are they rare, they are absolutely beautiful. That’s their proud mother in the background of the picture.

I only hope that some hunter doesn’t shoot one of them just to have it’s head mounted on his wall.

Decided to go fishing today

The day started off a bit rainy and chilly but I really needed to get out some so I decided to go fishing.  It was a bit uncomfortable at first but then the sun came out and all was right in the world.  The fish bit pretty good and I caught a good run of bass.  No I don’t bring bass home.  I put them safely back into the water.  That way there will be fish for the next generation.

I never take something I’m not going to eat and bass just isn’t one of my favorite fish to eat.  I personally prefer salt water fish but a good mess of strippers from the lake or the ocean, well you just can’t beat that.  I wasn’t stripper fishing today though.  I just wanted to be one with nature and relax a little and that’s just what I did.  It was a great day.

HOPE for the New Year

HOPE is a four letter word but not one people use enough.  HOPE is the one thing we all have when we have nothing else.  HOPE gives us all a reason to keep trying.  HOPE give us all a reason to keep reaching for more.  HOPE is something you will have when you have nothing else left and yet HOPE is one four letter word that people don’t seem to believe in anymore.

I have so much HOPE for the new year.  I have so much HOPE for the world and my little part of it.  All I can do is try to make my little part of this big old world a better place and with that HOPE, just maybe it will spread.  When the white man first came to this country, Indians were looked upon as savages.  We all were peace loving people and willing to fight to keep what was ours.  That’s nothing more than the white people are guilty of too but we learned to live together and the world is a far better place for it.

My HOPE for the new year is that the world, or at least America, will still keep learning that we are all God’s creatures and all want the same basic things.  Those things are respect, honor, and to be able to take care of our families.  These are simple things in all reality and should not be so hard to obtain.  Through the great wisdom of God and our own people (meaning Americans) we can again find peace and prosperity.  This is my HOPE for the new year for not only Americans, but for the world.

One of our traditions at Christmas

One of our favorite traditions at Christmas has always been to adopt a Native American family for the holidays.  The tribal counsel has requests for assistance through the holidays from young and old Native Americans in our area.  They don’t even have to be from the same tribe as we are and they can still be placed on our list.

This year there was a young couple that had just moved to this area.  They are of the Apache tribe.  They have two children ages 3 and 5 which are both boys and are only asking assistance with food.  That’s typical of Native American families.  We are a proud people and only ask for what is absolutely needed.  It’s hard to ask at all if the truth be known.

Well food is what they will get but the children will also have one of the best Christmas’s they have ever had too.  First of all, I want the family to feel welcome in our community.  I don’t want them to feel like outsiders like I know they already do.  We are all of one people now and must band together to help each other through these tough times.

My family went out on the 23rd and bought bicycles for the boys, clothes for them, and anything else my family wanted to buy for them.  With them being younger, it was fun to buy Legos, board games and hand held electronic games for them too.  We bought the family a DVD/VCR because we weren’t sure they had one and got several DVDs for the kids to watch.

As for the food, we purchased a $200 gift card at a local grocery store for them.  That should feed them for a few weeks.  Usually we do not get to meet the families we help but this one asked to meet us so the tribal counsel called today and wanted to know if it was okay with us to let them know who we are.  They came over last night and I am so glad that we met.  The kids were great and the family was so very thankful to us.  We now have new family members to celebrate life with.  That’s the miracle of Christmas for we are all Gods creatures.

Happy Thanksgiving

All my children are home, my Indian family is here along with my white family.  We are having a ‘true’ Thanksgiving complete with Native Americans just as the first one had.  It’s that a wonderful day!!  I look at my family and am so very proud to be a part of both of them.

There is so much love and respect in my home today that I couldn’t ask for anymore.  The turkey’s cooking, and all the fixings are cooking too so the house not only is full of love but it’s full of the heavenly smell of a wonderful dinner.

Here’s wishing you a wonderful Thanksgiving Holiday!!  May your day be truly Blessed like mine is!!!

Broke his own world record

Kevin Fast who is a Canadian Reverend, has set a new record in the “heaviest vehicle pulled over 100 feet”.  He beat his previous record for this category which was 125,660 lbs.   Kevin pulled an International Loadstar truck and hauled a load of 126,292 lbs over 137 feet. Paramedics were standing by, and quickly inspected him after the attempt.

Fasts only food in preparation for the event was a cup of coffee. He pulled on a rope, anchored by a parked car. Stuart Claxton from the company Guinness World Records, has been judging record attempts for many years.  My question is ‘Why would a man risk hurting himself as badly as he could have just to pull a truck farther than anyone else?’  Just goes to show that a lot of men are all brawn and no brains but this man should have some.  He’s a reverend after all but I guess he was trusting in the ‘Big Guy’ upstairs to see him through it.  I thought the ‘Big Guy’ gave us enough sense not to hurt ourselves as a way to see us through life.  Shows how much I know I guess.